And may you be...

"May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May He make His face to shine upon you and give you peace.
May you discover the mystery of living in the world and not being of it.
Like Daniel, may the leaders of nations want you in their inner circle of authority because of your divenely given wisdom and insight.
But like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, may the leaders of nations hold you in furnace building suspicion because you caim a higher citizenship than any nation can offer and you will always obey God rather than rulers.
Like Joeseph, may your integrity and determination lead the prominent and mighty corporations of the world to place you in seats of power and influence.
But like the apostle Paul in Ephesus, may your prophetic life so call into question the idolatory on which our lives are built, that the unjust economic systems of our world conspire to run you out of town before you undo their mythology.
May the great graduate schools and universities fight over you because they long to have students who commitedly give their lives back to God as an act of worship.
But may they not know what to do with brilliant people, who, rather than identifying themselves with the cultured elites, keep finding their identity with the poor and marginalized.
Like Enoch, may you live long productive lives so connected with God that your transition to the next life will be like taken an unbroken stroll into the next life, surrounded by the presence of the Spirit.
But like Stephen, may you lay down your life in the prime of life, as a peaceful witness to a kingdom the world cannot see.
Like our Lord, may the world love you and despise you.
May you be embraced and rejected.
May you be given all things but keep nothing.
May the mulititudes follow you but may you take up your cross daily.
May you become first by being last and may you become great by being the servant of all.
May you daily give your talents to the Lord prepared to one day be held accountable for how you used this gift of life He has given you.
But like Zaccheaus -refusing to be conformed to this present age, may you wrap up and give back the pound that the principalities and powers will offer you, willing to pay the cost of discipleship.
May your life be lived in the tension between the talents and pounds.
God has called you to hep Him heal the broken world. May the world be both excited and terrified that you are on the way.
And may He who began a good work in you, may He carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Amen"

-A prayer by Dr Scott Daniels during APU's 2012 Convocation.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours...

This is a prayer that I pray sometimes... I always think its a good idea at the time until He answers and suddenly I find my heart breaking where it didnt before.
This week we had a high school staying at camp, all of the grade 9s came out for a few days and I was given a group of nine 13 year old girls to lead in teamwork/communication games and various activities for a few days, which I wouldnt normally think twice about, I love this type of thing. But I had prayed this prayer just a few days earlier and when I met these girls I saw with open eyes how insecure they were, how desperate they were to be accepted, how fearful they were that they wouldnt. They were searching for who they were, how they fit into this new school... but of course 13 year olds cant express this for what it is (heck, most adults cant even!) and so they were just acting up, being stupid, insulting eachother, pulling eachother down...as a way of trying to understand all this. And it broke my heart. I felt so sad, I wanted so much for them to see that they are beautiful, that they are loved, that it's okay to be confident and be themselves. But I didnt know how to express this for what it is either, so I just felt sad for them. I ran pointless games and empty debriefs and they made jokes and pushed eachother round and neither of us expressed what we really felt and neither of us got anything out of the session.
I went away feeling discouraged... we had a night hike planned for later that night with the same groups and to  be honest I didnt really want to do it. I didnt want to be with those girls and I didnt want to feel broken and burdened for them again, espcecially since last time I felt it had come to nothing. We started our walk through the dark together and I was praying that God would redeem this time, to make it into something beautiful despite myself and my bitterness about being there. Normally with a night hike I would take them into the woods and we walk without lights and play games and I teach them about the eyes and night vision and animals that come out at night and things like that. But tonight after I prayed I felt like that wasnt what God had planned for tonight. So we just walked along the road for a bit, them grateful that they didnt have to go in the bush and get dirty and me wondering why I was taking them this way because it wasnt fun or educational... I got to an open field on the side of the road and I felt God say "Stop here." So we stopped and I told them to lay down on the ground and look at the stars for a while, since in the city you cant see them. For 5 mins we lay in silence. no one said anything (which was unusual enough by this stage for me to know that God was about to do something) Then out of these girls came questions like "Do you think the universe ever ends? How did the stars get there? What will happen when all the stars die? What do you feel when you look at the stars? Do you think God is real? Why are the stars even there...?   I breathed out a prayer of thanks, that He had stilled their hearts and was stirring these questions up in them, and I offered up my words, saying that I didnt know what to say, could He please speak through me. Then with these public school girls, where they're not allowed to speak of God... we talked about creation and glory and the beginning and time and humanity...
Then about boys and food and farting and bad habits. But it was different, God had moved in them and in me.
I learned that being broken for the things that God's heart breaks for is not the end. That's not the point. But that once we reach that place of being unable to love well, of being humbled, of reaching the end of ourselves when we have nothing to offer...  then God will move. And from that place I know it was Him, because it couldnt possibly have been me.

Paddling under Glory

The other day our team finished site prep early and we decided to take the kayaks out on the lake...We ended up being out there under one of the best sunsets I've seen in a long time! I felt so blessed.

Marmite Soldiers.

Today I think that I feel homesick for one of the first times since I left NZ four months ago...
This week I have been sick, but today it was bad enough that my boss sent me home saying he didn't want me working like this, so Im lying on the couch in the empty apartment and I'm lonely.

At home when I am sick I would take a bath and lie on the couch listening to the noises of my family, or mum caring for the kids that come during the day.  My friends would text me from school telling me what was happening there and that they were thinking of me, and I would eat marmite toast or plain salted chips.
I want that.

I know that when it warms up later today and when I start to feel a bit more healthy I will cheer up, but for now I feel homesick and want to eat marmite soldiers.
I have One who never leaves though and as I lie here I am talking to Him like a little kid saying " Papa, I feel yucky and sad, please make me feel better, dont go anywhere..." and I feel His arms around me. I feel His comfort which goes beyond familiar faces and a warm bath and for this I am grateful.

Outdoor Ed Begins

So I've almost completed my Outdoor ed training for the next 5 months of working here...When I did Outdoor Ed for a few weeks in the spring I had no training but was thrown right into working groups and I had no idea what i was doing... I asked questions every three seconds, was constantly confused and felt a bit useless and frustrated a lot of the time. but now that I am being taught all those things I feel like now I can do this well and that I will enjoy it! I am grateful.
I'm also so excited and thankful for the team I am working with... for weeks before this I have been praying for God to create community here and to provide friends... and as usual He is answering in big ways.
We have a really international team with people from Canada,  America, Honduras, Germany and New Zealand.... It has been so fun getting to know them all the past few days and I know that it will be such a great team! There has already been many funny/embarrasing moments (including me accidentally burping right in one of the German guys' face not long after meeting him! He hasnt let that one go... )
and i have kaughed a lot. I look forward to growing closer with them all.

I am conqueror.

The shy little directionally challenged girl from Brightwater exists no longer... she has now been renamed Solo Conqueror of the Canadian Public Transport System. Feel free to call me by my new name.

The sunset over the river where we ate dinner... so beautiful.

I had been by myself for a few days, having just finished summer camp. I was struggling, it was hard to be in the same place but with none of the people I had been with for so long... In the midst of it I felt God calling me to Him, to the quiet places, to the lonely places... and sometimes I went there. And it was beautiful and transforming. But often I just felt sad and my heart became bitter to be here and I couldnt follow God to those places when I felt like that....
So he was gracious enough to say to me that it was okay to leave, to be away from this place and let my heart grow soft toward it again.

 My memories of it as a kid were  wet and cold so it was nice to see it again...

So at 11pm I decided that the next day I was going to the city... I turned up at the bus 8 30 the next morning with no ticket, no idea where I was going or how to get there.... but knowing that today I would embrace adventure and challenge and the unknown! So I caught a bus for a few hours, found a subway and worked that out, caught another bus then wandered around till I found their house! (After leaving a note on the wrong house saying I had arrived but couldnt find them! That will confuse whoever lives there) My friends Greer and Lyndsay from camp were gracious enough to let me stay with them and I am so thankful for them loving me so well.
Then when Greer got home later that evening, the conversation went a bit like this... "Guys i want to do something fun tonight! Lets be spontaneous. Do you want to drive to Niagara and see the falls??"
What?! You can do that??
So we did.... and I LOVED it!  We stood at the top, right where the falls go over and I felt genuine fear, looking at the sheer power that was going over the edge at such an incredible speed. I also felt complete admiration at how anyone can be stupid enough to think that going over these things in a barrel would be even remotely close to a good idea!

Toronto city! I must have looked like such a little kid with my backpack on staring up at these!

I stayed with these girls for a few days and God was whispering to me through these new places and these people... he was softening my heart and when I drove back into camp 4 days later, I was joyful to be there. I was ready for Outdoor Ed.  Now i am ready I think.


"Look, can't you see? Even now God is doing something new!" - Isaiah 43

Rumbling Sanctuary

I’ve moved back to Adventure Camp where I will be living for the next 4 and a half months, I’m staying in a little house above the kitchen with 4 other women who will be arriving in the next week.

After having a summer with no privacy at all, I was praying that I would have my own room for this next season, a place that I can meet with God and be by myself which is something that hasn’t happened very much, simply because of the nature of living in a camp community.  And He provided. I have a little room at the end of the hall which i can call my own, something I’m so grateful about!

My room is backed onto where the huge extractor fans from the kitchen join to the roof, so during the day my whole room shakes and rumbles, it sounds like I’m in one of those little propeller airplanes that might go from Nelson to Wellington... this will take some getting used to, but I’m sure it will happen. The scariest part is when they come on at 6 30 in the morning, they give an extra loud rumble/screaming noise for a few seconds before they settle into their normal volume and it wakes me up like no alarm clock ever has and gets my heart beating quickly! No need for morning exercise here... The first morning I felt like a train had just hit my room and woke me up!

But beyond that, I want this place to be a sanctuary for me and for those who come in here...This is my prayer for this place...

“God, thank you for blessing me with a place I can have as my own for the next few months... Thank you for giving me the creativity and the resources to make it a beautiful place. But tonight Lord, I give it back to You. I dedicate this room as a sanctuary. A place where You and I can meet together. I call down Your spirit into this room...May a spirit of peace and rest descend in this place. May the people you lead into my room feel Your presence here, feel something different than the rest of the house. In Your Name I bless the sleep that happens here, may it be deep deep rest. I bless the conversations, may the glorify You and bring Your kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven. May it be a place of refreshing. Anoint this room, fill it with Your presence.”